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House Rules

Hey! Dave said you’d be watching the house this weekend! Here are some of the rules. Follow them very carefully.

  1. Keep the doors locked when you’re not home. This keeps robbers out.

  2. At night, keep every light off, except for the kitchen light. One nightlight in the bathroom is acceptable.

  3. At 4:51am every single day, put a slice of deli meat and two marbles onto a plate in front of the hall closet. Go back to bed immediately.

  4. Should you smell something foul from the hall closet, spray air freshener and ignore it. If the smell is coming from a bedroom, leave IMMEDIATELY.

  5. The noises you hear between 1:00am and 2:00 am are not to be acknowledged.

  6. NEVER SHOW FEAR

  7. The neighbor will come by every other morning asking for milk. Give her WATER. She will be mad, but keep smiling until she leaves.

  8. Never turn on the back porch light.

  9. If the hall light turns on, turn it off IMMEDIATELY, and cover your eyes with a blanket, once in bed.

  10. When the mailman comes to drop off the mail, do not make eye contact with him. Do not reply to him. Do not smile in his direction. He has a knife.

  11. When the hall closet opens, act as though you hear/see nothing, and leave it open. It will close within an hour.

  12. Feeling the severe urge to eat raw meat is natural. Place 3 crackers and one raw egg in a bowl outside of the hall closet.

  13. It knows you’re in the house, and it will eat you. I apologize, it was the only way.

It was the only way…

submitted by /u/piperhommel
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