A Beginner’s Guide to Being a Real Man
When I was young, my father would say, “Son, you’re going to have to learn to be a real man.” He tried teaching me everything I would need to know, but he was taken from me too young. I decided (now that I’m on my own) to figure it out once and for all.
I found many books on the subject, but most of them disagreed with each other- in fact, several flatly said you couldn’t learn Manliness from books. But I took what seemed like the best bits of each and tried to make it work.
A Real Man Drinks Alcohol
This one was easy. I found ten bottles of “booze” that were 99% proof. I wasn’t familiar with “Rubbing Alcohol” as a brand, but as a beginner I decided not to be picky. I drank them all.
Real Men Eat Meat
This one was tricky. There’s meat all over the place, so eating some was simple. It tasted very bad, but no one ever said that being a Man was going to be easy. But I discovered afterward that you are supposed to cook the meat into steak or bacon first. I’ll need to do some follow up.
Real Men Have Sex
This one was rough. Apparently you need social skills as a prerequisite to having sex, yet no guide specifically says that social skills are Manly. I did my best to seduce people but nothing came of it. I’ll need to invest some time and effort into it.
Real Men Are Tough And Strong
I came across a construction site after hours when the workers were gone and experimented. I smashed the concrete walls down with my fists and chewed through the rebar. Preliminary research online tells me that such actions count as Manly.
Real Men Are Chivalrous
“Chivalry” is odd, because it seems to deal with protocols surrounding mass combat in the middle ages, yet it must be used to defend women. I don’t understand it. Nonetheless, I found a man in a blue uniform trying to give a fine to a very angry woman for driving too quickly. I chivalrously challenged the man to honorable combat. I shattered his spine when he attempted to fire his gun instead of fighting. Guns are not mentioned in any chivalric code I can find; they seem dishonorable, but I cannot know for sure.
The woman’s screams were disturbing. But some of my guides did indicate that women were less comfortable with violence than men.
I think that I am a real man. I fight, I drink, I intend to fuck one day. Women are safe near me. I breathe five times a minute whether I need to or not, just like father taught me to.
I wish my father could leave prison and visit me. I yearn for a male role model. But perhaps a desire for intimacy with my parent is Unmanly.
I’m not sure. The guides are as confused on the subject as I am.